Am I enough, is this a question you have asked yourself and answered honestly before?

I have.

You see I grew up feeling angry, even though I was unaware I was angry at the time, I was also angry at myself for allowing the certain behaviours to continue, and not seeing the fuller picture.  Can you relate?

It all came down to me basically feeling as though I was not good enough, not good enough to be loved, have friends, be successful, I was basically feeling rejected by life, and also rejecting life, disconnecting from it.

So I settled, I settled for what I was experiencing, I settled for what life had dished up on my plate, never stopping long enough to ask if it was possible to experience more, be more, do more.

This underlying energy of settling for what was in front of me, without actually tuning into my body to see if it was in fact for my highest good to do so, had been going on for a very long time, I accepted what was, without daring to dream of what could be.

I had my eyes closed off to the full picture as it suited me as I was receiving attention for doing so, and love, albeit conditional.  This filled a void at the time, but I experience life in a different way now as I have embodied self love on a much deeper level.

I embraced inner change.  I recognise I am the conductor of my own life, I create my reality, my future with my energy, my voice, my inner power.

I am enough.

The question is Why did I feel that I was not good enough to begin with, Why was I feeling powerless to speak up when things were starting to go astray, or when I saw things differently, partly yes, because I was not open to listening to my inner wisdom, but mostly because I doubted the power of my voice, my words, thoughts, intuition and insights, I didn’t trust it, or me, or the people around me to provide a safe space for my words to land.

My whole life I had felt I had to be silent, I silenced my feelings, not to make a scene, just go along with the collective narrative of the groups around me, this caused me great discomfort at the time as I would silence my frustration, anger and pain.

I would become frustrated that people couldn’t see how their words and actions were impacting my, but I quickly learnt not to say anything as I had to be silent, go along to fit in.  So I pushed down my feelings and emotions, I never had the conversations that were required at the time, I never felt what I needed to feel.

All the while unaware that I was in fact in control of how I feel, that I had the power within to regulate and release my emotions, and that feeling is magical, it has an intelligence and beauty to it, that by feeling I felt free, free to be me, free to voice (from within) the power of my words, feelings and emotions.

I never realised this until much later in life, but feeling is my superpower now!!

In the past I denied how I was feeling, hence the cycle continued, the longer I denied how I was feeling, the longer the behaviour continued, I was mirroring the environment around me.

I also knew on some level there was a better way to experience what I was desiring, that this didn’t infact match my inner knowingness, or truth.  My reality didn’t match what I knew instinctively was actually possible, that life could indeed be different, I could experience life in a different way.

Initially this caused conflict as I struggled to come to terms with what I was experiencing, and what my soul knew to be true.  I struggled to see life any other way, I felt trapped, trapped in the cycles, trapped in my family dynamics and personal relationships, trapped in my circumstances.

I wanted to be out of living this way.

I wanted to be treated, seen, heard differently.

I wanted to think differently.

I wanted to speak up, shout from the roof tops.

I wanted to wake up, to wake them up.

I just didn’t know how or where to start.  So for a long time, decades in fact, I remained asleep, unconscious.

I was unconscious to my inner power.

I was unconscious to my inner voice.

I was unconscious to the power of my body mind and soul.

I was choosing to believe I was not enough.

I was choosing to give my power away.

I was choosing to play small.

I was choosing to remain silent, unseen.

It was far safer that way.

What I did not realise at the time in doing so I was crushing my essence of who I truly am under the weight of expectation, influence, and conformity of others.

I did not recognise my light, my song.

I did not recognise that in fact it is OK to be different, to think separately, feel differently to those around me, and respond in different ways.

All this unexpressed energy sat in my body, it would come out to play in unhealthy and disconnected ways when familiar faces and places would reveal hidden parts of myself to me to heal and transform.

I continued the path of self disconnection, and disconnection to others, feeling I was not enough to be part of, not enough to voice my point of view, not enough to be heard, not powerful enough for those around me to stop and listen.

So i hid.  All the while not realising that I am enough.

I hid for decades, hoping those around me would change, hoping the world around me would change so I could finally come out of hiding.

I was unaware that I was the change I was seeking, that I held the keys to the change and transformation I desired.  I kept trying to put my keys into other peoples doors, and getting disillusioned when the answers I was seeking did not appear.

I forgot that I held my own set of keys, as does everyone else in the whole of humanity, our keys are unique to us, our keys hold the answers to our own questions and clarity we are seeking.  I needed to unlock from within using my own set of keys, the doors to inner peace, pleasure and power.

I had to come out of myself, I had to reveal, take a closer look at what I was hiding from, I had to feel it, let it breathe, and allow the intelligence of how I was feeling to transform into awakenings, then provide space for myself to integrate through aligned action so I could embody the new intelligence that was coming through, the intelligence that my sacred mind, body and soul, knew was within me the whole time, I just needed to remember, and awaken my body to it.

This took time.

I did not rush or force.

I allowed, I began to change in doable steps that felt nourishing to me and my over stimulated nervous system.

I began to come out of my shell, I began to feel comfortable being seen, and using my voice, I began to become what I knew all along was possible, I began to live through what my inner knowingness knew, my soul’s wisdom and grace.

I became me.

I became strong

I embodied love.

I know sometimes people come into my life to show me deeper understandings of self, I welcome and celebrate that, I know the human side of me at times forgets who I am, I have compassion for that side of self.

I accept

I Learn

I Awaken

I Become

I AM ENOUGH

Love Always, Roslyn Claire xx